Chapter 3: REALIZATION

REALIZATION

I turned the lights off, looked out of my window right at the moon, which was really bright that night. How will I survive this life? I mean, it’s not impossible but you never know what ‘freedom’ really is, until it is taken away from you. right? This is with everything in life, you never know what you have, until its gone. This thought brought me back to the moment when I was in love with VC in high school. VC was head over heels in love with me and I often took it for granted, because I knew this person wouldn’t leave me. At some point it happened, VC “moved on” with someone else and it hurt me. I went back to this person, begging for a second chance and I got it. Sadly it didn’t work out between us. Thinking back and reflecting on this 90 minutes situation, I realized that we as a human being, we know exactly what we have but we just think we will never lose it.

Then I closed my eyes and asked myself again. how will I survive? At some point I even got mad at myself, thinking about the time I took my freedom for granted. Freedom in this situation was the ability to do whatever and whenever I want, even though there are responsibilities. Doing what you want and coming home whenever is super normal when u reach a certain age, so we don’t even pay attention. right? Exactly…we know what we have but we just think we will never lose it! At that moment I was also thinking about all the good times, where I did whatever I want. Swiping into my apartment early in the morning, coming home completely drunk (always responsible) after a party, bringing home my male and female friends or even people I partied with that night. Haha. Having these thoughts really made me realize and appreciate my Amsterdam moments. I believe that when u really take the time to realize and appreciate small things in life, that is the moment when you see the true beauty in things or people! As these valuable moments were running through my mind, I began to feel sleepy and prepared myself for the next day. the first day of training.

I woke up early and prepared myself for the first day. Coming into class, I wasn’t really talking to someone. I am more like a person, who observes and after a period of time choose who to be around with and who I can be myself with. I am a very shy person at first. The training began with a fear-based speech and again we spoke about ALL the rules. Being at your best (all the time) is a must and mobile phones are forbidden. Being scared of the boss was printed into the minds and talking to girls was a NO-GO. (Imagine that during my internship in Amsterdam I was sitting next to the boss while working, even went for lunch and outside activities with my female colleagues.) I guess that’s when the culture shock came in…But accepting is key. Wherever we go, we must obey the rules and the culture. It’s the same when we invite people to our home, our guests must follow the rules which we made. The day ended with a statement: ‘Whenever the office calls you, it’s because you (MOST LIKELY) broke a rule. This is NOT acceptable here and MAY result in a one-way ticket home’

It wasn’t all bad, the training (15.00hours until 22.00hours) kept me busy and took my mind off the fact that I had no freedom at all. We started off with ‘safety and security’, which Is a very interesting topic. This is the topic where u learn, that as a flight attendant you are much more than a waiter in the air. But the moment I came home, I felt locked up again. I didn’t like that feeling, because I hate being alone. Eating alone is even worse, that’s why I usually facetime people while I’m eating. The beginning days of training got very lonely and I was constantly thinking to myself if it was all worth it.

On the other hand, being alone really helped me to think about certain things in my life, which was necessary at that moment. But did I really need alone time all the way in the middle east? This anxious feeling came up again, I got mad, really mad at myself! Why..did I make the decision to come all the way and leave my beautiful life behind? Why was I so stupid and what was I even thinking? I texted my good friend BA and said I want to go back to Amsterdam, I cannot take it anymore. Quickly I calmed myself down (which I'm really good at), made up my mind and closed my eyes. 

Being in my own apartment again made me so happy. As I was walking to my fridge, the sun was shining through my big window and MB was making me breakfast. Both in pajamas. It felt like nothing could stop me at that moment, the feeling of joy and seeing the beauty in everything was indescribable. I felt happy and unstoppable. I smiled at MB and said, this is the feeling I want every day. I mean it, every day and for the rest of my life. Seriously it was a magical feeling. I believe that we should do what makes us happy, whatever it is that makes us happy and remember to always be positive. This in order to live life to its fullest. MB, on the other hand, didn’t really pay attention to me, which was weird. As I wanted to go for a hug and kiss, my phone suddenly RANG very loud…. Woke up from this dream with two missed calls from the office…F*CK!