CHAPTER 5: THE CHOICE OF LOVE

THE CHOICE OF LOVE

Sometimes we think we are on the right path of our life’s or we found the real purpose, but we aren’t. The most important thing is to acknowledge that we have not and find a new direction as soon as possible. While seeing DE and thinking that a relationship would be a possibility, someone else came in my life. While doing groceries on my free day, I saw this person constantly staring at me. At some point, I couldn’t take it anymore and walked in the direction of this person. They suddenly asked me if I was crew. It’s usually pretty obvious here when someone is crew. I replied with a smile and said yes and you? GB shyly replied yes. We started talking about the date of joining and that it is hard to adapt here in the middle east. We agreed on many subjects and as the time flew by and the conversation got more interesting, it was time for me to finish my groceries and rush back home. GB asked me my contact details and I gave them correctly. As I said goodbye to GB and left, I thought to myself pretty interesting person but didn’t really think about it anymore. However I did receive  a direct message.

From that day on, we started talking every day via WhatsApp. I wasn’t sure, whether I  should tell DE or not. I mean nothing was serious at that time. Should you tell the person you are dating that you are seeing or talking to another person as well? For me, I just try to date one person at a time. Ahaha. GB is very quiet at times, responsible, not that that good-looking but intelligent. I won’t lie, beauty is important, but over the years it became less important for me. A good heart and intelligence are of the utmost importance to me. Imagine being in a relationship with someone good-looking, but the person can’t talk about anything with you...

As the weeks went by I started seeing GB more and more. I even got invited to breakfast, no one has ever offered me homemade breakfast before. Very caring and sweet right? I started to like GB more and more. I don’t know why, but I develop feelings for people very fast. We started going out for dinners on the Fridays, we drank, danced and had fun together. But GB didn’t really enjoy it like I did and didn’t really drink as well. This started to be an issue, also the fact that GB didn’t reply consciously to messages. I want attention when I want it and not when u feel like giving it to me, very demanding! And maybe spoiled haha. But let’s be honest, who responds 4 hours later? The thing is, in a relationship whether it’s a love one or not, I give everything with my heart and In a way, I expect the very same back... I know we shouldn’t expect anything back because that’s where the disappointment starts..but life just works likes that… I guess?

Well during those weeks (basically Friday’s), I was still seeing DE and I was constantly in a dilemma. I mean DE was this person who I could have fun with for the rest of my life and that’s what life is all about. Having fun, enjoying together, supporting and having a home together. This is what DE surely could give me and that’s the ideal situation for me. GB, on the other hand, was the serious, responsible but caring type, which could keep a possible relationship stable. Stability is the key factor in everything we do and maybe I needed that in life. Not that my life is not stable, it surely is but only one person can be the clown right? And that’s me! In a relationship you should compliment eachother, if two people are the same, it will never work out. Thinking about all this, I really needed to make a choice, fully focus on one person and see whether it would work out or not. Choosing between two people means you will lose one of them and if it doesn’t work out the chance of going to the other one is 0.01%. Well, I was willing to take that risk, responsibility and accept the consequences. Having this all in my head, I went to bed and thought about it one last time.

I woke up the next morning from a good night’s rest and made my decision. This time I will choose someone who could possibly be responsible, keep my feet on the ground (like my best friend KD) and who is very caring. I chose GB over DE. Looking back, I wasn’t really satisfied with the way I told DE…Well, that choice is made, I felt a great relief and still thought I made the right decision in a way. That was what I kept on saying to myself.

As training was almost over, GB and I kept seeing each other on the Fridays. But things suddenly changed....GB was constantly complaining about my childish behavior and attitude. Still, GB was very caring and sweet at the time. I didn’t really get it, I mean, I’m just full of life and I like enjoying it to the fullest. It didn’t feel right, it made me feel bad in a way, but I ignored it. At some point, GB wasn’t really paying attention anymore and didn’t really reply to my messages, which I found really weird. As some days went by, I received a phone call and discovered that GB was living a double life…………….

Chapter 4: BETTER DAYS

BETTER DAYS

As I woke up from this dream, it really bothered me that I wasn’t in Amsterdam or Suriname. The empty feeling, I had at that moment, told me I had to go home. Immediately. However, I ignored that feeling, went for a shower and prepared for the day. Almost done, the phone suddenly rang again, the office. I let It ring a couple seconds and nervously picked up. ‘hello.. Daniël Pitti speaking’. ‘Hi Daniel, this is SG speaking from the office. We tried calling you, but you didn’t pick up. We would like to welcome you as the first Surinamese flight attendant in the company. We are very happy to have u here. If you have any questions, please let us know’. I responded with a very relieved thank you. I hung up the phone, smiling and suddenly I experienced a proud feeling.

The feeling that you are being recognized is always great and I suddenly felt like an ‘ambassador’ of my country in the middle east. That feeling really motivated me to stay, bite through the rough period and learn as much as possible. This to eventually go back to Suriname and give (international) input where needed! This approach really helped me and you know, I was just not going to give up that easily this time. As a person I get bored very easily. If I really don’t like something or I am not happy, I just leave. To be honest, this is very spoiled behavior. I’ve never had this in a professional setting but often experienced it in romantic relationships. Whenever I’m dissatisfied, the person is way too into me or my needs are not being fulfilled in a way that suits me,I just leave. Really selfish and self-centered.  The funny but most concerning point about this is that I’ve heard it from different people I’ve had relationships with. I know… something to work on.. for sure.. right?

As the training days went by, I started to enjoy it more and more. Well.. I was getting used to it I guess and accepted the fact that I would be here for a while. I believe that acceptance is the key to being truly free. I met some really nice people as mentioned before. All from different backgrounds and different reasons why they came all the way to the middle east. There were people who had to support their family, people who needed a completely new start in life, some who needed to ‘escape’ their home and leave everyone behind to find their purpose in life. We even had a two-time Olympic swimmer in our training. Hearing all the reasons, really made me realize and appreciate what I have. I did ‘escape’ a certain feeling I had in Amsterdam, but I didn’t need the salary. Being here was just a dream and check off my bucket list. Thanks to myself but especially my amazing hard-working family.

All these reasons really stayed with me during the training. We often think that we are the only one dealing with difficulties in life, but I can tell that every individual on this earth is fighting their own battles. Knowing this, we still judge people by the choices they make but don’t know the options they had to choose between. This is so unfair. Halfway through the training, I started doing some fun things on Fridays (only free day till 11:00 pm) such as Strolling through the malls, markets, and bars. Exploring the city was very nice but awkward sometimes. Awkward, because some people kept staring at me and following me at times. I still experience it from time to time when going to the supermarket. Very funny but awkward at times, I guess I look different from the average population.

I must say days in the middle east were getting better. I accepted the situation, I kept being positive and tried to live my life as much as possible. At some point, I met a person during my Friday day out in the mall. Usually, I’m very shy and never make the first step to talk someone, but this time I did. After some time, I approached this very good-looking person, asked the name (DE) and we started talking about our purpose here in the middle east. I looked very deep in the eyes of DE and saw a potential person. Full of life, love to be around friends, party a lot, family minded and serious when needed. Just what I look for in a relationship. As the conversation was about to end, I asked the mobile number, we said our goodbyes and went home.

On my way home as I gazed out the window I experienced this amazing feeling and wondered if this could be my purpose here in the middle east. Upon my arrival at home, I started messaging DE, we had so much to tell each other and this is the best part of moving to a different country. You can be a completely new person and by this, I mean, no one knows you and you get a new/fair chance to let people get to know you. We even started to call each other and after a couple days, I asked DE on a date. On this Friday I called an Uber, picked up DE at the accommodation and we went for drinks. We started drinking, talking about interesting subjects and some friends of DE joined at a certain point. DE was really good-looking and interesting. I really could see myself having a relationship, even though we were not allowed in each other’s accommodation at that time. It was almost 11o’clock and I needed to go home in order to not break curfew. I called my uber and DE and I left the place together. We talked about the date, we’d both really enjoyed it and would like to repeat it as soon as possible. As I wanted to disembark my taxi, DE and I Kissed. I didn’t see that one coming as it’s not very common to just kiss on the streets in middle eastern countries. As days passed by, I really thought this was my purpose in the middle east, my new beginning, finding the right one and sharing my life with this DE. But exactly then, when I thought I’d found my purpose and maybe the love of my life, I made an awful and horrible mistake myself.

Chapter 3: REALIZATION

REALIZATION

I turned the lights off, looked out of my window right at the moon, which was really bright that night. How will I survive this life? I mean, it’s not impossible but you never know what ‘freedom’ really is, until it is taken away from you. right? This is with everything in life, you never know what you have, until its gone. This thought brought me back to the moment when I was in love with VC in high school. VC was head over heels in love with me and I often took it for granted, because I knew this person wouldn’t leave me. At some point it happened, VC “moved on” with someone else and it hurt me. I went back to this person, begging for a second chance and I got it. Sadly it didn’t work out between us. Thinking back and reflecting on this 90 minutes situation, I realized that we as a human being, we know exactly what we have but we just think we will never lose it.

Then I closed my eyes and asked myself again. how will I survive? At some point I even got mad at myself, thinking about the time I took my freedom for granted. Freedom in this situation was the ability to do whatever and whenever I want, even though there are responsibilities. Doing what you want and coming home whenever is super normal when u reach a certain age, so we don’t even pay attention. right? Exactly…we know what we have but we just think we will never lose it! At that moment I was also thinking about all the good times, where I did whatever I want. Swiping into my apartment early in the morning, coming home completely drunk (always responsible) after a party, bringing home my male and female friends or even people I partied with that night. Haha. Having these thoughts really made me realize and appreciate my Amsterdam moments. I believe that when u really take the time to realize and appreciate small things in life, that is the moment when you see the true beauty in things or people! As these valuable moments were running through my mind, I began to feel sleepy and prepared myself for the next day. the first day of training.

I woke up early and prepared myself for the first day. Coming into class, I wasn’t really talking to someone. I am more like a person, who observes and after a period of time choose who to be around with and who I can be myself with. I am a very shy person at first. The training began with a fear-based speech and again we spoke about ALL the rules. Being at your best (all the time) is a must and mobile phones are forbidden. Being scared of the boss was printed into the minds and talking to girls was a NO-GO. (Imagine that during my internship in Amsterdam I was sitting next to the boss while working, even went for lunch and outside activities with my female colleagues.) I guess that’s when the culture shock came in…But accepting is key. Wherever we go, we must obey the rules and the culture. It’s the same when we invite people to our home, our guests must follow the rules which we made. The day ended with a statement: ‘Whenever the office calls you, it’s because you (MOST LIKELY) broke a rule. This is NOT acceptable here and MAY result in a one-way ticket home’

It wasn’t all bad, the training (15.00hours until 22.00hours) kept me busy and took my mind off the fact that I had no freedom at all. We started off with ‘safety and security’, which Is a very interesting topic. This is the topic where u learn, that as a flight attendant you are much more than a waiter in the air. But the moment I came home, I felt locked up again. I didn’t like that feeling, because I hate being alone. Eating alone is even worse, that’s why I usually facetime people while I’m eating. The beginning days of training got very lonely and I was constantly thinking to myself if it was all worth it.

On the other hand, being alone really helped me to think about certain things in my life, which was necessary at that moment. But did I really need alone time all the way in the middle east? This anxious feeling came up again, I got mad, really mad at myself! Why..did I make the decision to come all the way and leave my beautiful life behind? Why was I so stupid and what was I even thinking? I texted my good friend BA and said I want to go back to Amsterdam, I cannot take it anymore. Quickly I calmed myself down (which I'm really good at), made up my mind and closed my eyes. 

Being in my own apartment again made me so happy. As I was walking to my fridge, the sun was shining through my big window and MB was making me breakfast. Both in pajamas. It felt like nothing could stop me at that moment, the feeling of joy and seeing the beauty in everything was indescribable. I felt happy and unstoppable. I smiled at MB and said, this is the feeling I want every day. I mean it, every day and for the rest of my life. Seriously it was a magical feeling. I believe that we should do what makes us happy, whatever it is that makes us happy and remember to always be positive. This in order to live life to its fullest. MB, on the other hand, didn’t really pay attention to me, which was weird. As I wanted to go for a hug and kiss, my phone suddenly RANG very loud…. Woke up from this dream with two missed calls from the office…F*CK!

Chapter 2: THE ARRIVAL

Before going to the airport, I had the urge to see a particular person (MB). I called MB and asked to come to my apartment right away. MB was the person I fell madly in love with during my time in Amsterdam. I thought I found my soulmate and even experienced that a heart indeed can skip a beat because It happened to me once. MB stated she did like me as well but couldn’t be in a relationship with me, because of religious reasons. This didn’t really stop me, and we kept on seeing each other but why? It was like driving to the graveyard to see my dad and hoping he was waiting for me to have a drink and chat. Sadly… I kept on driving there because love will always win right? Well, I don’t really know… I believe that love only wins if both persons are equally and madly in love with each other and are both willing to fight. The reason why I invited MB to my place was to say my last goodbye. Even though it was very hard for me, I had to turn the page and set myself free. I think part of the reason why we hold on to something so tight, is because we fear something so great won't happen twice. Moments before leaving, I looked MB in the eyes and said my goodbye and set the love for this person free with the hope that every ending is a new beginning.

My brother and some of my good friends came to my apartment to bring me to the airport. We laughed with each other and it was time for me to go to the gate. I greet all of them and told them that I would see them soon. My good friend, who advised me through the whole process came with me all the way to the gate. It was time… I had to board and really leave for this journey. I had this empty feeling and constantly thinking If I made the right decision. I even cried a couple times. But when looking at the crew, I saw myself doing the job and that gave me hope and excitement. Every new beginning is scary but if we don’t get out of our comfort zone we miss all the fun and never get to know who we really are and what we are capable of. Arriving in the middle east and proceeding to immigration, the first thing I saw was this angry overweight looking officer showing off his ‘power’. All of them looked like that, just like the documentaries they sometimes show on discovery channel etc. I passed immigration, collected my bags, met other new coming crew (Exchange facebook) and got picked up by the company.

I arrived at my accommodation. A gated campus with 8 buildings, where u must swipe in and out to enter each building. A lady was waiting for me and brought me to my room and explained everything about the apartment. She then took my medical forms, my passport to complete my arrival and made me sign some documents for the company. Not having my passport in a foreign country is a strange feeling. The apartment has two bedrooms (including shower and toilet), a living room and kitchen. Luckily, I had the ‘A-ROOM’ where I don’t need to leave my room to go shower or use the toilet. (B-room needs to walk through the Livingroom). The A-room also has a mirror, a desk, a coach and a bed (one person). Yup.. Nothing special..but bigger than my apartment in Amsterdam.

I called my good friend and mom to tell them that I arrived safely, but the call wasn’t going through. I had no idea why at that moment my signal was not going through because there was WIFI. Eventually, I went to bed at 4.00am and woke up a couple hours later. When I woke up, it kicked in that I was really in another country and again this empty feeling came. Laying in bed and no idea what to do now, I decided to contact the new crew and asked them to meet. I eventually made plans with KD (new crew) from Morocco. We went to the city and the mall. Very nice and huge mall. We talked a lot, shared some stories and then he told me that ‘Whatsapp call’ is blocked in middle east countries and it all made sense. Even pornographic sites are blocked. I downloaded another application to call my family and it worked perfectly. As it was getting late, we went to our accommodations.

Arriving at the apartment, I unpacked my stuff and rearranged the room a little bit. I was talking on the phone with family and friends. Then I began to arrange my documents, which I had to sign for the lady. Suddenly my heart stopped and I dropped the phone. I couldn’t believe what I was reading and hoped that it wasn’t my signature on the paper. But it was, and it was stated very clearly: ‘during the training period (2 months) you only have 90minutes a day to leave the accommodation’. At that moment I just realized that I willingly signed to be ‘locked up’ abroad for two months…